User blog:Ghosturtle/Transphobia in dating preferences

This topic has been up for some debate for a while, and there doesn't yet seem to be a sound conclusion. So, I would like to give my thoughts on this as a transgender person with a transgender girlfriend. This is a touchy subject, so I'm going to handle it with as much care as possible to avoid my words being minced. It's time to answer the age-old (just kidding; it's relatively recent) question of: "Is it transphobic not to date a trans person?"

Short answer: it depends. But you didn't come here for a short answer. We're going to take a deep dive into transphobia and transphobic biases in dating preferences. Take care to fasten your seatbelts, because I have a feeling this is going to be a long one.

Disclaimer
By no means does any of this mean you have to date a trans person when you don't want to. Consent is key, and you never have to explain or justify why you don't want to engage in a relationship with someone. This is about assessing biases and introspecting, not forcing yourself into situations you don't want to be in. No matter your reasoning, you are allowed to say "no."

When do preferences become transphobic?
A dating preference becomes transphobic when they single out transgender people specifically. That's it; it's really that simple. The only thing that makes it complicated is the fact that people can't tell when a dating preference singles out transgender people specifically. Let's break it down into a few common examples:

"I don't want to date transgender people because I want biological children with my partner."
If you're an AMAB person, and the other person is an AMAB transgender person (such as a transfeminine person), this is an understandable reason not to desire a sexual or romantic relationship with that person. AMAB people can't produce eggs or carry pregnancies (at least at the current state of science and medicine), so if biological children are a requirement for you, this leaves AMAB transgender people out of the dating pool. This is not transphobic reasoning, as long as you also exclude cisgender women who are infertile or don't want kids, as well as cisgender men. The deal breaker here is the lack of specific reproductive abilities, not gender modality.

If you're an AFAB person, and the other person is an AFAB transgender person (such as a transmasculine person), you actually can have biological children with them, but not through traditional reproductive means. AFAB transgender people (along with all human beings) can produce sperm via their bone marrow. This means that, through medical procedures, an AFAB transgender person may be able to impregnate a person with a uterus (or vice versa, if the AFAB trans person also has a uterus). However, this method of reproduction is still in its developing stages, and it's hard to say how reliable it is at this point in time. You also might be uninterested in non-traditional forms of reproduction. So, once again, excluding AFAB transgender people from the dating pool for this reason is not transphobic, as long as you also exclude cisgender men who are infertile or don't want kids, as well as cisgender women.

If the above scenarios don't apply to you, "I want biological children with my partner" would be irrelevant as far as transgender partners go. Additionally, if you say you exclude transgender people from your dating pool because you "want biological children," but include cisgender people who can't (or won't) have biological children with you, you aren't genuinely opposed to your partner being unable (or unwilling) to biologically reproduce with you; you're opposed to your partner being transgender. That is dishonest at best and transphobic at worst, so it may be some time for introspection.

Instead of saying "I'm not attracted to trans people," consider instead simply saying "I want to have biological children with my partner."

"I don't want to date transgender people because I'm not attracted to [this set of genitalia]."
Some transgender people undergo gender affirming surgeries, which may include bottom surgeries (such as phalloplasty or vaginoplasty), while others may not. Additionally, these surgeries vary in style and results. Rather than generalize transgender people, it is better to go by a case-by-case basis.

Transgender people aren't the only type of people with [this set of genitalia], and not all transgender people have the same set of genitalia, so it's unfair to single out transgender people and act like being transgender is synonymous with having a certain type of genitalia. These types of assumptions not only contribute to transphobia, but contribute to transphobic violence and fetishization.

If you have a genital preference, just say that; don't single out or generalize transgender people. Rather than saying "I'm not attracted to trans people," consider instead simply saying "I'm not attracted to [this set of genitalia]."

"I don't want to date transgender people because I'm not attracted to [this specific trait]."
Just as it's unfair to generalize the genitalia the transgender people have, or act like being trans is synonymous to having a certain type of body, it's unfair to generalize other traits that transgender people may have. Doing so can perpetuate stereotypes about transgender people and overall diminish the individuality of each transgender person. Whether it's a physical trait or a personality trait, it's not going to be shared by all transgender people, and may be even apply to some cisgender people.

Instead of saying "I'm not attracted to trans people," consider instead simply saying "I'm not attracted to [this specific trait]."

"I don't want to date transgender people because I want to be with a real [man/woman]."
Transgender men are men. Implying (or outright stating) that transgender men aren't men is inherently transphobic. Likewise, transgender women are women. Implying (or outright stating) that transgender women aren't women is inherently transphobic. This reasoning is a blatant form of transphobia and heavily contributes to transphobic violence. In fact, this reasoning is so dangerous that it has been historically used as an alibi for those who murder transgender people, especially transgender women. This alibi is referred to as the "Trans Panic Defense," which is still only banned in 16 states.

"I'm just not attracted to [specific transgender person]."
If you just don't find yourself romantically/sexually attracted to someone and that's all there is to it, that's fine, and that doesn't indicate transphobia! You don't have to be attracted to a transgender person to support them. It's also fine if they're incompatible with you, such as being unable to produce biological children with you if you want that, or having different ideals or goals. Lacking attraction to a transgender person isn't the same as singling them out for their gender modality, since I'm sure you're not attracted to every cisgender person you meet either. You can't choose who you are or are not attracted to.

Conclusion
Overall, dating preferences aren't transphobic as long as you aren't singling transgender people out, generalizing transgender people, or treating transgender people differently than how you would treat cisgender people. Just remember that the transgender community is incredibly diverse and try not to make too many assumptions.